By His stripes

Well so much has gone on in my life over the course of a few months that I don't even know where to begin. It is amazing to me how much life can change because of one or two circumstances. I am so thankful that one thing that is always a constant, is God's love for me.

Ever since I was diagnosed and have begun treatments in the hopes of getting well, my life has been different. There are so many things that I can't do. It can be very frustrating when you try to push yourself and your body just won't cooperate. You feel like your body is betraying you. Even though, I have a strong faith in God and I know He will take care of me, I have often wondered WHY? WHY is this happening to me? Why do I have to deal with this after many years of caring for a sick child? Why has my husband had to go through the difficulty of watching his little girl suffer for years and then right into watching the same thing with his wife. There are so many limitations on me now that I'm sick. So many things that I can't do. There are times that I want to get out and spend time with my family but I just can't. If I choose to do it anyways, I end up suffering physically the next several days because of it. I struggle with the questions, Am I being the best mom I can be? Am I being the best wife I can be? Am I pushing myself hard enough to get better? I know there are many times that the answer to those questions is NO. Not because I don't want to do those things but because of my current physical limitations. I am so thankful for my husband who has stepped up in a BIG way to help take care of the day to day tasks on the days when I can't physically do it. He has NEVER complained once and is such a hero in my eyes. I know God has a plan for our life and I know that He is able to work a miracle. I don't have all the answers to the questions of "why" but I do have faith in a God who loves me. I also know that "All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose".

In the middle of this hard trial I have begun to get a clearer picture of God's plan for my life. Like they say, "Tough times don't last, tough people do".

I know I jumped all over the place in this particular blog post and hope that it even makes sense. There is so many thoughts running through my head and sometimes it's better if I just begin to write and don't stop to organize my thoughts. Also, just a little side note, I am so grateful to all those who have prayed for me, emailed, texted, called, and so on. It means so much to me! :)

Jumble of my thoughts

You never know what someone else is going through. Don't be so quick to judge! With all I have been through over the last little while, you would think I would have learned that lesson long ago. However, when things are really rough, you can sometimes get a little self involved to where it seems like you are the only one that is going through something. I've really been learning that lesson lately. We have an upstairs neighbor who is up all night and makes a lot of noise. He also sits out on his balcony and smokes pot constantly. I have whined and complained about him several times to my husband and kids. I would sit there and think, doesn't he know what we are going through? Doesn't he care that sleep is a precious thing to me, having a sick child? Well, I found out this morning that he is terminally ill with cancer. He is going through chemo right now to prolong his life. That's why he has been up all night, because he is sick. That's also why he is smoking pot. I feel HORRIBLE for prejudging the situation and just assuming that he was some crackhead doing so much drugs that he can't sleep.

  A couple of weeks ago, while we were at UCSF with Kyla, I was feeling so overwhelmed. Almost to the point of feeling sorry for myself. I was so frustrated with Kyla's health, sick and tired of seeing her hurting and sick, and just plain exhausted. I was wondering, when is enough enough? My husband arrived at the hospital and told me he would sit with Kyla so I could go shower and get cleaned up. The showers are in the Pediatric Oncology Unit, all the way at the end of the hall. As I started the walk down the hallyway, I realized how packed the unit was. Sometimes even housing 3 kids to a room. I noticed mothers that were so obviously exhausted from spending, what could be MONTHS  in some cases, caring for their sometimes terminally ill children. I saw children that were so sick they could barely move, and some that were crying out in pain. There were mothers that felt hopeless and helpless. By the times I reached the end of the hallway there was tears coming down my face. I quickly opened the door, shut it behind me, and locked it. As I sat there for a minute and cried from being overwhelmed, exhausted, and from all that I had just seen I quickly realized how much worse things could be for Kyla. I realized that while it is definitely hard to see my little girl suffer, things could be so  much worse. I began to feel so thankful for my situation instead of the pity party I had been throwing myself just minutes before. I felt blessed because even though it can be a hard road, I have a relationship with Jesus Christ. So many times I have felt that peace that can only come from spending some time alone in prayer and just laying my fears, worries, insecurities, and problems before the throne. I can't imagine going through all we have been through the last long while without Him.

  You never know what someone else is going through. Go easy on them. Share the love of God with them. Let your light shine, it could make all the difference in their world.